To Bell Biv DeVoe: I guess I was wondering which girl is poison.

Hey Bell Biv DeVoe. How's it going? Listen. I had the radio on the other day, and this song came on that I had totally forgotten about; it was this song you did called "Poison." Do you remember that song?

Anyway, I was kind of dancing along in the car. You know, nodding my head and what not. I wasn't paying much attention to the verses or whatever, but when it got the chorus, I realized what you were telling me. There's a girl that's poison! And you kept saying it over and over! I got freaked the fuck out. Which girl? Then you warned me that "She's dangerous!" I had to pull over; I was hyperventilating.

Listen, as a single guy, I have to be careful about the women I spend my time with. I don't make love to a woman unless I have some sort of documentation that she's free of STDs. For you to tell me that a woman is poison and not tell me who, or at least give me some substantial clue, is irresponsible at best, and deadly at worst.

I'm not trying to be a jerk. Honest. It's just that I take care of myself. I work out, I eat healthily, buying organically grown food whenever possible, and I meditate twice daily. The idea that all of my work could go right out the window because a woman is poison makes me feel sick to my stomach.

After a minute the song was over, and while I was still pretty shaken, I managed to drive the rest of the way home. Once I got inside I immediately looked up the lyrics to the song, thinking I might be able to find some sort of clue as to who might be poison. I want to say up front that I was pretty glad I did so; I really thought the first line was "Spider-Man and freezin', full effect," which I had assumed was about some sort of battle between Spider-Man and Iceman (and "full effect" was referring to the fact that it was Cosmic Spider-Man as opposed to regular Spider-Man, so, you know, all bets were off). It turns out the line is "Spot a man of freedom for a fact". Okay, so that was cleared up.

But once I got beyond that line I couldn't believe me eyes; I got myself a glass of warm milk to help deal with the blind terror I experienced as a result:

I sense something strange in my mind
Yeah yo situation is serious
Let's cure it 'cause we're running out of time

Oh shit! So it's some kind of poison that makes you delirious, or melts your brain! That's the worst. I could maybe handle vomiting blood or shitting out my entrails, just so long as I could still think straight. I can't believe you weren't given some sort of award for writing about this harrowing experience! It's really brave of whichever of you went through this to be willing to relive it; I guess that's what art's all about.

But I can't understand why you didn't explain how you cured the poisoning. I could deal with the threat of being girl-poisoned if at least had an antidote I could carry on my person at all times. Is there an extended mix out there somewhere that explains to me how to cure the poison?

Miss her, kiss her, love her, wrong move you're dead

So then I started to think that it was one of those deals where she has some kind of scent gland that can be triggered, but instead of scent it's poison? Like, okay, I miss this girl a lot, I'm going to go see her, okay now I'm seeing her, I'm kissing her in a particular spot, I put my hand here and OH MY GOD THAT GIRL IS POISON!!!

In light of this information, my working hypothesis become this: there's a girl out there who secretes some kind of naturally-occurring neurotoxin if she's touched in a certain spot.

And then a couple of lines down I discovered a big clue as to who this girl might be:

Never trust a big butt and smile

Well, not that big of a clue, really. But I was glad I had found it; I have an affinity for both big butts and smiles. I could conceivably know this girl already!

I wanted more information. I searched around to find the video for the song, hoping that I'd get something more specific. This is what I found:



First off, let me say thank you for clearly showing who is who at the beginning of the video. It was a nice to have a moment of clarity I could cling to, because the rest of the video left me more confused than ever.

There's so many girls in that video! In the first two minutes alone there's like ten different girls! Are they all poison? Is this some kind of genetic mutation and you're trying to get the word out? Or are none of them poison and the actual poisonous girl was, for obvious reasons, not invited to the video shoot?

If, in fact, the poison girl is in the video, here's my top guesses as to who it is:

-The girl at the beginning of the video. No, not the one of the two girls who walk across the dangerous-looking side street in slinky dresses at night; I mean the one in the little interlude after the introduction. What we've been watching freezes, and she walks right out in front of all of it. That seems pretty important.

-The girl who's walking by as you're all rising up out of the sidewalk on some sort of platform that, I assume by the light emanating from beneath you, is some kind of energy restoration platform or save point. In any case, at 1:52, Bell clearly reaches out to touch the girl's butt, and Biv knocks his hand away and says, "I'd take precaution..." My guess is that the neurotoxin gland is located on her butt.

-Around 3:37, when Bell's singing in the studio with two girls grinding on him, there's a girl who's in the background who's NOT TOUCHING HIM! Seems mighty suspicious.

-When Biv says "Wrong move you're dead" around 3:57 while motioning to that girl's cleavage. Does the neurotoxin come out of her nipples?

These, of course, are just my best guesses, Bel Biv DeVoe. I'd really appreciate it if you'd take the time to write me back. I put a lot of work into trying to figure this out on my own. I even tried to look for hidden messages by rearranging the letters in the words that show up on the screen around 3:04, "OUR MUSIC IS MENTALLY HIP HOP SMOOTHED OUT ON THE R & B TIP WITH A POP APPEAL TO IT," but all I could get was, "IMPURELY LOUTISH CHAMPIONS BRUTE HOTPOT TO HEDONISM & A TOWPATH PAIL POTPIE." I spent a couple of hours trying to figure out what that could mean, but in the end I gave up.

So if you could back to me soon, I'd really appreciate it. I have a date next Friday. I actually asked her out because of her big butt and her smile, and she's already provided her cleanliness documentation and passed the credit check.