a guide to parking in beautiful oak park, illinois

if you're reading this, it means you're interested in visiting the village of oak park. oak park welcomes you. situated just outside the chicago city limits, oak park is a great place to live, or just to visit!

before the parking regulations, we have a couple of big attractions here that you won't want to miss!

first up is the midwest south regional museum of native american rock shovels and native american devotee artwork. come see our selection of hand-painted native american rock shovels and buy artwork from local arists who are not native american, but whose works feature hand-painted native american rock shovels prominently!

next up is the ernest hemingway birthplace home. come see his birthplace home! come see the birthing room! give birth in the birthing room! ($100/baby)

we also have lots of restaurants!

oak park was fully developed as a community in the 1930s, before the widespread use of the automobile. as such, parking is a scarce commodity. certain streets are designated as permit only; residents can call 708.358.PARK to obtain permits for their areas. proof of residence is required; a driver's license is not sufficient, however in combination with 2 (two) utility bills it may be sufficient to appease the tribunal. if two (2) utility bills are not obtainable, an animal sacrifice may be deemed sufficient, depending on the size and age of the animal, as well the resident's emotional attachment to the animal. household pets are almost always acceptable, providing the animal is a mammal or reptile. insect sacrifices will not be accepted.

if you are a visitor to oak park, things can be a little more complicated.

parking is allowed on most streets during the day, except for where signs are posted stating otherwise. visitors are not allowed to park in permit-only zones (for example, half of the streets in oak park, as well as most garages). most streets in oak park do not allow parking between the hours of 8 a.m. to 10 a.m. to allow clear traffic flow during heavy traffic hours. overnight parking, from the hours of 2:30 a.m. to 6 a.m., is not allowed on most streets, though there are certain exceptions (call 708.358.PARK to find out which streets; the password is PORK CHOP). this overnight restriction dates back to the 1950s, when it became clear that the young women of the village were spending the night with young men outside of wedlock(!). to prevent a population boom, thus exacerbating the then emerging parking problem (sorry; belated spoiler alert: spending the night with someone out of wedlock creates babies), the overnight parking restriction was put into place. within a few years, all the young men went to vietnam, but still the restriction has stayed in place to remind us all of a simpler time. overnight passes are available from the parking office (123 madison st., the password to enter is MYCATS123). you will be required to roll YOUR OWN twenty (20) -sided die (we do not keep 20 (twenty)-sided dice on site!). the breakdown of results is as follows:

1-3: request denied
4-6: roll again
7: summons a familiar, alignment to be determined by a second roll (results breakdown divulged on-site; password is QUARANTINE)
8-15: INT -4 for three turns
16-19: request denied; punched in the mouth!
20: request granted

extended parking passes may be available for on-street parking in areas not designated as permit zones under certain circumstances, such as shut the fuck up.

snowy conditions complicate matters further.

if more than a century of record-keeping history is any indication, the chicago area typically has its first measurable snowfall by mid-november. and the threat often continues well into march. for the village of oak park, a measurable snowfall means the Emergency Snow Removal Parking Plan (ESRPP; it sounds like "usurp"!) goes into effect. after a two-inch snowfall, the following parking rules apply, seven days a week, including holidays:

- main streets designated as snow routes must be cleared of all parked cars (call 708.358.PARK for a quickly-spoken list of streets designated as snow routes; the password is MORPHEUS).

- non-snow routes allow parking between 8 a.m. and 10 p.m. on the EVEN address side of the street on EVEN numbered days and the ODD address side of the street on ODD numbered days. this rule is reversed on nights when the moon is full or new. on the off chance that your house is aligned with jupiter on the second moon (but ONLY if this coincides with the new or full moon), this rule does not apply to you, but only if you hang a native american dream catcher from your rear view mirror (a hand-painted native american stone shovel is also acceptable!). if you are female and the moon is full, that's a special time for you. just think about where you're parking; that's all i'm saying. in addition to this, the 1st and 3rd weeks of the month reverse this rule; parking is allowed on the EVEN numbered sides on ODD numbered days, and on ODD numbered sides on EVEN days. this circumstance also nullifies the astrologically-based exceptions noted above (except if you're a woman and the moon is full; you can't break that bond).

the Emergency Snow Removal Parking Plan does not override other parking regulations, however, such as time-limitations and prohibitions. if you are unsure of where to park, call 708.358.PARK for a ruling from the tribunal (the password is BANDANAMAN).

thanks again for your interest in oak park, Chicago's Bitchy Little Sister!™