are you pregnant?!

is that a bump? do i see a bump? is it a tumor? what? it's a baby!? OH MY GOD! you had sexual intercourse and now a miracle is going to happen! at least something good came of that husband of yours HAHAHA! ZING! no, i know i don't know you, or your husband, but DOES IT MATTER?! THEY'RE ALL THE SAME, THOSE MEN!

can i . . . can i touch it? the baby. your stomach. i just want to put my hand on your stomach. wait. come here. i see that look in your eyes; don't try to leave. i want to feel this miracle. lift up your shirt... oh my god it looks like you're about ready to pop! i'll bet your breasts are really swollen and sore. listen, don't be embarassed! it's natural! i want to talk about it louder! just wait til you have the baby! your body will be so stretched the fuck out! and if you breastfeed, your breasts will never be the same again. shh . . . i think i feel the baby draining your life force.

that's . . . oh, i bet you're just ready for this thing to be over! ha ha! oh, i remember my first baby. while i keep my cold hands on your stomach, let me tell you about it:

the year was 1994. my husband was cheating on me a woman ten years older than me; in addition, he was cheating on that woman with another woman who was five years older than her. later he claimed that he was trying to get a feel for what my body would be like in the years to come so that he would always be able to please me, but when i asked my moon oracle, it said that was bullshit. listen to me, honey: never believe a man, even when he's telling you he's lying, because that's when he's telling the truth.

well, at any rate, i had just finished watching the x-files when my water broke.

"john!" i yelled at my husband whose name is john. "i gotta go. this baby's not gonna wait."

well, that dumbshit took his sweet-ass time. i was all business, and he was dicking around, couldn't find his keys, all that nonsense. then when we were in the car, ready to go, he says he's gotta go back in and get his camera.

"this baby will not wait!" i said. "nature doesn't wait! why are you so stupid? i mean, can't you see i'm having a baby? remember when the one single time we had sex in the past year? remember it?" at this point i grabbed him by the ear; maybe it seems harsh now, but when you're a pregnant woman, you can get away with stuff like that. "do you remember?!" he nodded yes. "this is the result of that. your demon seed is responsible for this mess; now get me to the hospital! NOW!"

and off we went!

on the way to hospital, i felt something strange going on inside me. i was having contractions, sure, but this was something else. i looked out the window, and there was a big, full harvest moon staring me down. i felt the most horribly potent seed of anxiety sprout in the center of my chest, nurtured by the waves of pain that racked my body. i tried to breathe, but all that came from me were soft, strained whimpers. i felt so broken.

oh, i just felt the baby kick! feels like you've got a future soccer player up in you there HAHAHA!!

anyway.

sixteen hours of labor later, i was almost ready for the baby to come out. the doctor was yelling at me to push and i pushed so hard. i farted. i farted so loud! normally that's the type of thing that would embarrass me, but listen, i was so doped up at that point that i didn't care.

and then i heard a scream.

"my baby?" i thought. but it wasn't my baby's scream. it was the doctor's.

my baby was a werewolf! he had shredded the doctor's throat. blood was everywhere! it took everyone in the room to subdue him. they wouldn't let me hold him! even in my drugged state, i was furious!

"my baby!" i yelled. "my baby my baby my baby my baby my baby my baby! baby! mine! mine! mine! MINE! MINE! MINE! GIVE! GIVE! GIVE IT! GIVE BABY! ME! BABY!" but they were too busy keeping my feral wolf child from killing more innocents. in my mind, i formulated the case for a lawsuit.

when she (i know! a girl!) eventually transformed back to full human, they finally let me hold her. she was beautiful; it was like winston churchill and a female lizard had merged into a single being and then been shrunk down to a miniature size and had her eyes kind of glued shut.

and i decided right there: her name was hope.

i cried so hard at the tiny miracle i had been given that had irreparably damaged my vagina with its claws.

oh, you look so pale! it must be that little miracle hard at work. here, sit on this bench. actually, take your pants off; i want to reach up in there and pet the baby.